The calendar says tomorrow but I remember it as this day. Today, one year ago. It was a Wednesday. I remember putting the kids’ church bags in the car because it was Wednesday. I dropped them off at school that morning as usual. Next, I drove south alone. I’m still not sure how to explain that morning other than it was a feeling I had. I spent the morning shopping, looking specifically for a black dress. Once the purchase was made, I got back in my car with a pit in my stomach. It was a feeling of anxiousness and dread. In the early afternoon, I found myself at home alone, awaiting the arrival of the school bus. The snacks were prepared for the kids and the table cleared for them to do their homework. The new black dress was hanging on the closet door, not yet put away. I had heard the plans and knew the odds were not good. In my head, I was prepared for any outcome. Still, my heart was not ready. I spent a while in prayer. Praying for a miracle; praying for anything that would be considered good news. Then I prayed what I later questioned. End the suffering. Lord, take away the pain and the suffering. It’s been long enough.
The events that unfolded throughout the rest of the evening are something I’ve tried to forget. Getting the phone call which seemed so surreal. Telling the kids not to worry about getting ready for church. Trying to avoid their questioning eyes until I could wrap my head around it. The time I knew was coming and had prepared for earlier in the day had arrived. Still, it didn’t seem real. Next was the part I had dreaded the most all day long. How would we tell him and how would he take it? The rest is still clear in my mind as if it happened today but I choose not to think about it. It doesn’t matter because it didn’t change anything. It seemed like such a long day.
That day was a year ago. Has it really been a year? Yes it has, even though the calendar says tomorrow.